Cut the Shit

HEADSHOTS TODAY AT 3:30pm.
YIKES!
and
YAY!
So busy lately...have had ZERO time to write. I will put an entry in here over the weekend. I know you all must be chomping at the bits to hear about my bullshit life.
Quick samples:
Paul is amazing
Mariah is AMAZING
I had an incredible time last night moving her in. Long story and will explain later. Paul and I had the most beautiful, most intimate 15 minute hook up in our whole relationship. I came so quick and it was so wonderful.
I am very excited to go out partying with them tonight and to be with Paul before he goes back tomorrow morning.
I left my house yesterday at 7pm and probably won't be back until Saturday or Sunday. That's nice for a change. Usually I am cooped up inside my jail cell of a bedroom. By my own volition of course.
HEADSHOTS TODAY! FUCKING HEADSHOTS!
My face will look like this: >:-D
Have a great weekend y'all!

What's Your Sexual MO? Find out @ She's Crafty

You love to be pampered and romanced by your men and things like cuddling by a fire, having an intimate meal, or having a long, deep conversation can always put you in the mood. Sex to you is usually more about the man your with than the act itself. Not a one-night stand kind of girl, newness and disconnectedness just don't do it for you. The mature, stable men you prefer to date appreciate your loyalty and big heart, but they especially love the way you inspire their more aggressive, protective masculine side.

TODAY IS THE DAY WHEN MARIAH MOVES TO NYC!
Holy shit! I can't believe it. The time flies when you are sitting on your ass doing nothing. She is very nervous, a little excited, and I think, in alot of ways, dreading today. It is so hard to move, especially out of a place as beautiful and fun as Boston. But she will do it with flying colors. I know it.
Paul is driving the U-Haul down today. They should be in Brooklyn by 7pm. Amazing! I have been saying that I am not going to go down and see her tonight, but I have to. When I woke up this morning, all I thought was...YAYAY...she is coming today!
With Mariah moving into town, I get some more friends! Finally. It won't just be my housemates, Penelope, and Ian anymore. It will be my housemates, Penelope, Ian, Mariah, and RACHEL! Whom I absolutely adore with my whole soul. I just never get to see her.
Can you tell I am excited?
for friends and for a change of pace.
Haven't really talked to Paul in the last couple of days. He has been pretty busy with work, packing up the house, looking for a roommate, etc. He thinks he may have found a roommate actually. From what Paul tells me, his new roommate is a tall, attractive, medical student, gay man. Hmmm.....
Right.
Anyway...that's exactly what I DIDN'T want him to do, but you can never count on Paul to be sympathetic to anyone's needs, but his own.
SO!
I am looking forward to seeing his annoying ass though. He has been the most fucking irritating boyfriend lately, but whatever...
I can't wait to look at the hole in his back again.
(picture me holding the vomit in my mouth at this point)
What else...
Work has been annoying this week too. It's weird. When we have short weeks, each day is like a psycho fest. I don't understand it. Oh well. At least Friday is tomorrow.
AND...we are going to a staff lunch today at 1:30pm and we don't gots to come back to this shit hole! So...YES!
I got a lot of sleep last night. Never happens. I slept hard too. When my alarm went off this morning, I felt like I was pulling out of the coma of a lifetime. I did feel refreshed though and maybe the dark circles under my eyes will be slightly less dark for my headshot appointment tomorrow.
I am nervous about getting my pictures taken. I am not good with smiling on command. And I get all nervous about making hot sexy faces. Usually when I make any sort of hot/sexy face, the picture comes out with me looking like I have rubber face.
RUBBER FACE.
Did you ever see that movie?
I am sure you didn't. BUT! IF you have...tell me who the lead character is and you will win a surprise.
Edward comes next week. Is it wrong for me to be as excited as I am?
I hope he looks hot.
;)
Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo....this week Kelly has graduated, Rita has had medical problems starting with her back and ending with her jaundiced eyes and I have had the sinus plugger from hell. What is the deal with our house? SO much going on.
I gotta piss....

and that is all the time I have for today.

Well hello! Kelly has officially graduated into the world. As her mom sang to her last night at dinner: "No more pencils, no more books, no more teacher's dirty looks."
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA and ROCK!

CONGRATULATIONS TO KELLY ON HER GRADUATION FROM MARY MOUNT MANHATTEN COLLEGE!

Ceremony is tonight at 7:30pm. Dinner is at 9:30pm.
Pride fills my heart. I CANT BELIEVE MY GIRL IS ACTUALLY GRADUATING FROM COLLEGE!
YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!

My gosh the weekend is almost over! Never does it seem like too long!
In fact, if I didn't have the day off tomorrow, I would sit here and seriously consider the time warp I had gone through and wonder why it was fucking Sunday at 7:23pm.
Pretty bored here. My girls are both gone...............but still! Who would have thought that all this alone time would be a bad thing?? It hasn't been entirely bad. In fact, it has been quite good. I am just ready for it to come to a close.
I spent the day yesterday, laying on my ass. I didn't even smoke pot really. A bowl here and there, but mostly I just puttered. I made a new recipe for dinner. It is called "Sour Cream Chicken".
My dad brought me this list of recipes during his last visit. I decided to break it out yesterday and give it a try. I made the chicken and this homemade recipe of rice that my mom used to make. The chicken was EXCELLENT. The rice...well...you see, about the rice....
It resides in the garbage can. I am not sure what I did wrong, but whatever it was...OOF! Honestly, I think I just used bad rice. The taste wasn't bad, but no matter what I did...the rice was hard and chalky. And if you have ever had chalky rice...you understand what a HORRIBLE texture of filth you get when you crunch down on each bite. YOWZAHS!
Tossed that shit immediately.
The chicken was a little dry, but that was only because I let it cook too long.
(I was trying desperately to save my rice at that point) But it was good.
Here is the recipe if you feel like giving it a try:
SOUR CREAM CHICKEN (exactly what is sounds like)
1) Any amount of chicken will do...no matter...I prefer boneless...you should too
2) Coat skinless chicken breast with a thick layer of sour cream (I use fat free...so should you)
3) Coat thoroughly in bread crumbs
4) Place on a baking sheet and cover with aluminum foil
5) Cook in the oven on bake or whatever on 350-400 degrees Fahrenheit for 30 minutes
6) After 30 minutes, remove the foil so that the chicken can fully brown. Keep an eye on it from this point.
7) OH MAN YUM!
***If your chicken turns out a little dry, add another layer of sour cream after it is finished and ROCK! Tasty!
So easy and it brightens up an otherwise boring slab of chicken.

And that is what I did for all of yesterday. Well, I did have to go to the store to get the ingredients, so I DID in fact get OUT of the house. I also made cookies. Chocolate chip and they turned out so bomb that I have already eaten 8.
Good thing I bought the FAMILY PACK, otherwise there would be nothing left. :-D
Today I cleaned the house, memorized a song for Rita, and masturbated twice. Now I sit and wait for someone to come home.
Tomorrow I just HAVE to work on my room. How could I sit home for 2 full days and not touch it?
Easily...it's called LA-motha fucking-ZY!
If I didn't have Rita and Kelly coming home to look forward to, my boredness would make me clean my room.
So thanks alot Rita and Kelly...you are the reason my room sucks. You're really great friends.
I read Penelope's blogger today. It was so wonderful!
This is just for Penelope:
Saying that I possess "grace" was just about the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. I beamed from ear to ear after having read your blogger. I had so much fun with you on Friday, always do. I didn't even want to leave! Remember when I kept being like "should I leave...", well thank G-D you said "no". Cuz I wanted to stay! Thank you for the pot, the jokes, the talks...I loved being there and I WILL be back. :-D
Penelope's bother Ethan was there when I was there too...and he is just great! I always have interesting talks with the two of them. And he showed me how to do a few more things with this blogger. You the best brotha man.
Tonight is HBO'S documentary of 9/11, hosted or something, by Mayor Giulianni. I will not be watching it. I feel good today and want to not feel bad. It will be on again on Tuesday night...I will see if I can tape it then. Supposedly you can actually see people jumping out of buildings. Not my kind of fun on a Sunday night before a day off from work...I would watch it if i didn't want to play so badly when the girls come home. (I am not even going to tell them it is on until after it is over....snicker snicker)
I guess that is it. Edward was supposed to call me this weekend and of course he didn't. But I didn't call him either...hahahaha. The story of our lives. I gotta call this kid. He is going to be here in less than 2 weeks. ROCK. In other news...Paul has called 3 times this weekend and I haven't returned any of his calls.
NOW who is the asshole? oh yeah....me. :(
Hope everyone is having an incredible MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND!

Here I sit. It is 10:57pm and I just recently got home from Penelope's. Man. I drank a GOOD amount. I am fucked up right now. I said earlier today that I was going to get FUCKED UP and I did. I am seriously drunk. The only reason why any of this is coming across in a coherent manner is because I back track every two seconds and fix the spelling. (No matter how drunk i get I will be the queen of spelling)
I had such an awesome time today. I went over to Penelope's on the cross town bus after saying goodbye to Rita at 96th street. She is off for a weekend of intensity. And I miss her. Already.
Kelly is working all night so I got home to an empty house. Sometimes that is great. tonight it is shit. I am fucked up and need someone to play with.
Paul had called so I returned his call, but of course he doesn't answer.
Now I sit here...on the verge of wanting to drink more to keep the momentum going, or to vomit and call it a night. Tough call. it's still pretty early.
In other news....
I had a great time tonight. Penelope and I did the TAROT. My first readings with her. In fact, we didn't focus much on the cards themselves at all, but had introspecitve and beautiful conversations ourselves. That is what the TAROT is all about afterall. I do the TAROT. Am I serious? consider me the devil.
But we had an amazing time. I was so relaxed. her brother was there as well as her roommate. (stinky roommate). Some laughs, some personal moments, some wine, and a great time for the two of us. I love hanging with her. She is wise. I listened to her alot tonight and I honestly learned alot. there is a wisdom that comes with age and life experience. penelope has definitely earned this.
Right now the Indigo Girls is on. I am a lesbo.
(moment when I thought I was going to puke)
oddly enough it correlates with the indigos....
Okay...for the next couple of minutes, everything I write will be free verse and not corrected for spelling, logic, or grammar....
HERE GOES-----------
(stop to take a sip of my wine) (who am i kidding>?)
right now the barenaked ladies are playing. it is the song calle dintermint=ently. i am sorot of bored by the whole thing...but I want to type to see how foten i fouck up. wow. sdo you see the problem? do imagien how long it took me type the above and having to correct thw ehoel time. wow. iam a fucking mess. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
I LOVE YOU >>>>INTERMITTENTLY LLLLY I LOVE YOU@ INTERMITTENLYT I LOVE OU
intermittently i lvoe yo love you ....injtermitly......
now sarah harmer plasy gain. rita has this song on the coputer that is so beautfil. i love it. i play it alot. and her voice is so different , real, simple, and perfedct.
i just si[pped someting chunkcy in my wine. that is sick dude.
i swalloed it whole.
typing like this is the most frusttating experience i hav eever had.
its not mal to be at home on a friday night at 11:10pm and typnng in this fasxhion to see how drunk you are. it is normal. arent all the cool kids doing it?
SNASNASNASNORESVILLE!
I guess I will go now. this typing without conciousness gets borin gfast. But it was fun to see how ridiculous I erally can be.
Once agein...thank you to penelope for a great night!
I miss my reets and kels.
time to go suck dick
:-()



IMAGINE????
BYE (I) wish!

30 minutes until MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND!
I remember when I was younger, this weekend used to be a huge family weekend for picnics, outings, etc.
Now that I am older, it is really only a weekend for getting fucked up and sleeping. My how priorities seem to change.
Paul just called me at work. It was a very base conversation. I couldn't open up to him at all. I couldn't get past this week.
He was fine on the phone. He was joking around with me and being kind of sarcastic. But to be honest, I definitely wasn't in the mood for HIS sarcasm or humor. Everyone else is fine. But his just grates on me today. I miss him and I still feel weird about this week with him. I got off the phone as quickly as I could.
He did seem upset that I wanted to get off the phone.
At least he feels something.
Today after work I am going to get pizza with Rizza and then off to Penelope's where I plan to get as fucked up as possible.
It is Friday night afterall. Time to do it up. I haven't been over to her house in a couple of weeks. It has just been so hectic.
Rita is leaving for Corning. Kelly has to work most of the weekend.
It will be a blissful time of sleeping, eating, cleaning my room, watching movies, sleeping, eating, masturbating, playing on the computer, eating again.
Edward is supposed to call too. Fun.
Maybe going out for drinks tomorrow and Sunday too. Yikes.
My body screams stop...but my need for illusion screams GO.

I just wanted to say one more thing. Although I didn't talk to Paul again today, this is the conversation we had over his cell phone and my email account:
Paul: "I love you and am terrified to call. You sounded so upset and sad last night."
Joe: "Big breakdown last night. Sorry for scaring you. It wasnt ur fault. Just wanted to hear ur voice."
{{Major delay in text exchange}}
Paul: "Do you want to hear my voice?"
(I melt in my seat)
Joe: "You are the love of my life"
Paul: "Ohhhh"
And that's it. When I told Rita the story earlier, I left out the part where I say "You are the love of my life", cuz I am so embarrassed that I said that. And this is (quickly) why...
After this wonderful little text exchange, Paul still didn't call me. My hysterical tears didn't make him call me last night and it didn't make him call me today. Even though I was really cool with him during the messages. REALLY COOL.
When he said to me..."Do you want to hear my voice?", I almost started to cry. (Now YES I am emotional today, but it was just...just...so perfect)
He is so damn ignorant, but when he pulls out the big guns and goes for my heart, I surrender every time. He is the only person in my life that makes it impossible for me to hold a grudge. He definitely has the key to my heart.
He doesn't even recognize that it is in his hand. But it is. I want him. I want only him.
Today.
I am so confused by love. And even more so...
I am so confused by my love for Paul.
But as long as he holds this key...I am his.
I can't imagine asking for the key back.

I am sitting here listening to Blu Cantrell sing about "Hittin em up style". What a fly bitch. Wish she was more than that "one hit wonder".
Rita is packing up to leave town tomorrow. Kelly is at the last class of her life. Oh man. What a week.
My mom just called me and told me something that totally slipped my mind. I am a self-absorbed asshole.
She runs this 3 mile (i think 3 mile...yikes) marathon every year through work. It is called "The Corporate Challenge". There are thousands of runners and it consists of members from the "corporate" world. Kelly knows ALL about this. Her father runs it too. She accompanied me one year.
So my mom called and told me that she ran this marathon in 43 minutes. I mean...thats amazing. Her first year doing it she ran the same distance in 48 minutes. This is like her 5th or 6th year doing this. And she has improved! Uh...WHAT? I am so unbelievably proud of her. Oh man...so proud! She even passed and left in the dust two 24 year olds from her office. ROCK! That's MY mother.
And the fact that she picked up the phone the minute she walked into the house and called me! She loves me!!! I know this, but it just feels so good. Especially with my mother.
I walk around every day with a pit in my stomach thinking that she is just going to randomly die. Don't ask me why...it is crazy. But after my grandmother died...I kind of never got over it and now I fear so desperately that my mother will die of lung cancer the way my gramma did. It's on my mind all the time. It's a problem, I know.
So knowing that my mother did so well on this run and that she called me while smoking a cigarette (ugh) just made me feel good. Cuz she feels healthy. And she is happy. And she breaks my heart cuz I just love her so much. That's why I am quitting smoking. For my mother. She will quit if I quit. And if not...then I definitely have the right to be like "Mom, enoughs enough."
I wish life were forever and I wish that I could spend every moment near my family. They are everything to me.
Always will be.
It always takes me like 30 minutes to get over a phone call from my mother. It just breaks me right out of my fantasy world and forces me to face reality. I think I spend most of my days running away from reality. That's why I don't call people, keep up friendships, get a second job, etc. It's just so hard for me. I want everything to be on a whatever basis. That is selfish and shit. But I don't know how to stay "happy" otherwise. Quite the dilemma.
Ugh. I feel so wrapped up in my head today. After last night, I still feel so fucking weird inside. I felt it all day. Just weird.
I feel like the "depression" that I deal with is quite physical. It's not just a sad thing. It's an anxious thing for me. I get so uptight in my body. It feels horrible. And that is how I feel right now. That is how I felt all day. I can still go on with my day, and I can still laugh and have fun. But it is such an intense feeling in the way that I could start crying at any point. And if I start I don't think I will stop.
Last night stripped me of the wall that I had built up. Now I feel vulnerable. I feel vulnerable and made of glass.
I NEED this weekend to rebuild.
Build up that tougher skin and convince myself that I am strong enough to move forward.

CONGRATULATIONS KELLY ON YOUR OFFICIAL LAST DAY OF COLLEGE!
HOLY FUCK!

The day is almost over!
Not a horrible day today. It went by a little faster than yesterday, but that is only because I had more work to do. I think the highlight of the whole day was when I had grilled cheese and fries for lunch. I just love it. I think it could be my favorite meal on the planet. The only thing that would have made it better would have been less grease and more pizza.
:-()
SNARF
I am exhausted. I definitely need to get some rest tonight. But I also have to get a bag. No, not a bag. A FUCKING BAG!
You get it now.
My eyelids are what I like to call...heavy. But my attitude is pretty good. Rita said, last night after my breakdown, that today would be a "light day" for me. And she was absolutely right. I have no need for the super-absorbance pads. I will stick with the lighter days.
Nothing could be as bad as last night was, so really I didn't have much worry. The only thing that could have been harder to deal with would have been getting hit by a bus...and even that has its advantages. (getting out of work you goons!)
The guy that cut my hair today was the nicest man alive, but I think he gave me a shitty haircut. What is with me and shitty haircuts lately? After he finished...he spikes my hair to the ceiling and is like: "How is the length?" I say: "The LENGTH is perfect." He's like: "Great!", removes the plastic cover from my clothes and lowers my chair.
"Um, aren't you going to style it at all...or are you just going to leave it sticking straight up?"
Leave it sticking straight up obviously cuz my hair looks like it did in 8th grade. So does my body. I ate grilled cheese and fries today. :(
So glad the weekend is coming. So motha fuckin glad.
Alright...I gotta go pack up my shit and get ready to leave. It is 4:42pm afterall!

If someone picks you up at a bar and asks you for your phone number, what do you do?
Well first, it ain't classy or safe to give out your number to a boy, so casually smile and accept his number, if you like him.
But more importantly, if you don't like him or he skeeves you in any way, give him the following number: 212-479-7990
It's the REJECTION LINE and it is the funniest thing I have ever heard.
After calling the line, press #2. It's my favorite.

Well helloooooooooo...
Only been at work for 2 hours, but it definitely feels like the day should be over. Boring job. Boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring...it actually is more fun to write the word "boring" than it is to actually do anything else.
Yesterday was the day of horrible things. Besides the fact that I got into a fight with Paul, I went home and got into a huge fight with my father. We were having a very simple catch-up type conversation, when he brought up my brother being in the ARMY. He was like "You need to be the one to call him. You need to be strong for him. You need to have your interactions with him be on his terms, etc etc." I don't know what possessed me, but I was like: "I know that I need to be better to Winfield, but it is hard. I didn't ask for him to go into the ARMY. HE made that decision. HE put his life at risk. HE HE HE HE HE..."
My dad goes, "If Winfield dies over there, you will beat yourself up for it. And you will have a problem with yours and my relationship at that point". I was like: "That is not right. Winfield wanted to go to Wake Forest. Winfield wanted to serve his country. Winfield did this to himself!" My dad goes: "This conversation is over. Love you." CLICK!
And he hung up on me.
I sat there shocked for about 10 minutes not even moving. Just staring at the wall. Then I called back my parents house only to find out that my dad had taken the phone off the hook. I called and called and called, but to no avail. Then I went out to talk to Rita and just LOST IT. I mean, really lost it. I was screaming and sobbing and fell into complete hysterics. Even writing the words can't explain how intensely I lost it. For ten minutes, I just SCREAMED and CRIED. I was so angry at everything and was so sad and frustrated that I thought that I had gone off the deep end for good. It was awful. Rita was exactly what I needed. She sat there next to me, hugging me, rubbing my back, not saying anything except "I'm sorry...I'm sorry". She lit my cigarette for me and just kept rubbing my back, letting me go off for as long as I needed to. She was an angel from God.
Then I jumped up and decided to call my parents house again. The phone was back on the hook and my mom answered it. I continued to SOB and SOB. I told her to tell my dad to go "Fuck himself" that he is "an asshole" that just pushed me over the emotional edge. I screamed and sobbed to her for about an hour. She totally calmed me down. She said all the right things. Nothing I said or did even seemed to phase her. She was so patient and helpful. And she took my side, which I needed. She told me that my dad is in a really raw, emotional state right now. That he is acting extremely irrational and jumping down everyone's throats whenever the topic of my brother is brought up. He is scared to death and this fear is causing him to lose his mind.
That's a long story that I don't even want to get into.
My mom saved my life last night. And so did Rita. I felt so ALONE when my dad hung up on me. Paul had just hung up on me 2 hours earlier and I started to think that I was losing everything. That all of the headway that I have made was for nought. :(
By the end of the conversation, she actually had me laughing. SHE IS EVERYTHING TO ME!
I got off the phone and went to talk to Rita who was curled up in her bed watching Mermaids. We talked for a couple minutes and she just hugged me and loved me. And then I didn't feel quite as alone anymore.
Thank God.
At one point during my numerous phone calls to my parents house (when the phone was off the hook), I called Paul just so that he could tell me everything was ok. I didn't care about what happened earlier in the day anymore...I just wanted him to tell me that he loved me. He had mentioned previously that he was going to be having dinner with Mariah and her bosses at 7pm. I called at 8:30pm. His phone rang, but he didn't pick it up. I left him a long message telling him that I really needed to hear his voice, that something awful happened, and that I really just needed him. I cried so hard on the phone message.
It is now 11:30am the next day and he didn't even call me back.
Enough said.
Gosh.
Now I sit here with swollen eyes and a very slight headache. Sobbing like that really takes a lot out of you. And I feel a little weird today. After an experience like that, it just kind of shakes one up. I am very excited to go home and to just climb in bed for the weekend. I need some rest. I need some low-key fun. Maybe watch a movie or two. Maybe smoke a bowl, drink some wine, maybe go out for a bit.
Life is so chaotic and sometimes I just feel as though I am going to get lost in the cycle.

Okay, back from my little tantrum. Why does this kid provoke me in such a way? He makes me so fucking angry sometimes. It's like he doesn't know me at all. If you see that I am quick on the phone with you, or that I am being kind of a dick, then maybe you stop for a minute, consider my actions over the last two and a half years, and understand that I am hurt by you. Not angry. Not out for revenge. Just plain hurt.
Paul hasn't called for just about a week. (we are one day away from that) I have called him. I even sent him a fucking letter in the mail, which we NEVER do. He never called to say thank you, he never called to see if I was alright, he never even called to talk about the vacation. Last we spoke, I told him that we could talk about the trip during our next big conversation. WELL...I guess now is that next big convo. GOD! He can be so vile sometimes. The feelings that he causes in my heart are so unacceptable. He makes me want to drop him on his ass. And hard. I am not saying that this is the mature way to deal with it or that I even want to do that at this point, but conversations like we just had prove to me that:
a) You ain't moving here, cuz even long distance you don't miss me enough to care.
b) You are a fucking moron that has just about NO social interaction comprehension.
c) You are a lot of fucking work and in a lot of ways, don't give me nearly enough good to compensate for it.
Damn. Damn damn damn. Why do I ALWAYS give him the benefit of the doubt? Why do I always develop that pit in my stomach that misses him so deeply?? Why? WHY? why? :(
God...I just love him so much and he just puts me through the ringer over and over and over and over...
and I always come back for more and more and more and more...
MAN.
Love aint easy...and what's even harder is being in love with an idiot.
I actually called him back after our fight, cuz I hate leaving things bad. (even though I was the one that hung up on him---hee)
So I call him back and I am like: "Do you want to talk for a couple of minutes?"
He says: "Yes, but I am in the store. I will call you when I get out."
It has been about 45 minutes since that call and no sign of him. DICK! I don't take 4 hour lunches!
Fine. If he doesn't call me than sobeit.
He can deal with Mariah moving out on his own. He can deal with his surgery pain on his own. He can deal with his sadsap lonliness on his own. And you know what....keep this up Paul...and you can drive all the way here in your fucking UHAUL next week and you can call me and call me....but I won't show up at Mariah's until you are gone.
Hurt me again fucker. Hurt me and then deal with the fact that you just keep pushing me away.
:(

So when I just spoke with Paul (first time in a week), I explained to him that my feelings are hurt. That I understand that he is suffering with having Mariah move, and blah fucking blah. He was so irate and such a fucking asshole that eventually I screamed in his face, told him to send the fucking money to my mother for our fucking vacation and to not fucking call me until he takes some fucking time to analyze his horrible way of showing love to me.
FUCKING FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!
He makes me so angry and upset!
You know what??? Rita just told me that there are skeletal remains found in Washington Park and we keep hearing military planes overhead.
Even if it is all media hype, it is STILL more important than sitting here bitching about my piece of shit boyfriend.
GO FUCK YOURSELF PAUL.
You ungrateful shit.
fucking so ungrateful.

I think Debbie Mathers and Marshall Mathers (Eminem) are sleeping together. No, I really do. They are so involved with eachother and kind of creepy. "They are fully in love and it makes me kinda wanna puke." - Jonathan

October 20, 2001 - According to Worldpop, Eminem's grandmother Betty Kresin is saying Debbie Mathers is furious that she didn't get the role of herself in the Eminem film instead of Kim Basinger. Betty says Debbie "'is mad because she wanted to play the part."
FUCK YOU DEBBIE!

Want to know something interesting, shocking, and potentially horrifying?
Eminem and Britney Murphy are in a new movie together. No, that's not the horrifying part.
The horrifying part is:
October 13, 2001 - The Sun reports Eminem and his onscreen lover Brittany Murphy have been flirting outrageously on the set of his new movie. Britney plays the role of Kim and an insider is saying of the two, "They have been having very intimate conversations. It looked like they were working on more than just their lines."
Oh Lord. Another one bites the dust.

Good morning.
Here is my Real World opinionated re-cap of last night's episode.
As we see, Kyle is a fake shithead. You know, it really just chaps my ass. I started this season with such an open mind to Kyle and Kerri's plight. I thought that their issues were real, genuine, and difficult to navigate. However, after viewing each episode as least 7 times, I have come to the conclusion that Kyle is the worst "character" on the show. And I say "character" because he is in no way, shape, or form, a real little boy. If anything, he is Pinocchio BEFORE the fairy granted his wish.
He has led Kerri on and on and on....
As we found out in last night's episode, Kyle has been sneaking into Kerri's bed at night for some kissing and humping (we did see clips of this in past episodes), and he has also written her "over 30 love letters telling her how much he truly loves (me)" her. What a snake he is. I mean really. Is it just me, or is Kerri totally deserving of a REAL man? The girl is so much fun, so beautiful, and most importantly, so damn cool.
She tries desperately to convince herself that she doesn't have feelings for this asshole, but we all know how that goes. It takes time.
Last night Kyle did three things that made me gasp with horror.
1) Invites Kerri along to a party only to backstab her all night to his friends and other housemates.
2) Convinces everyone and himself that Kerri annoys him, follows him everywhere, and never gives him room to breathe, only to then be all over her the minute that she meets a guy other than him.
3) Receives a phone call message from his ex-"girlfriend" Nicole during a candlelight vigil in NYC (right after 9/11) and doesn't shed one tear.

Now, the reason #3 bothers me is because when I saw the clip of Nicole's answering message, it took about 4 seconds for me to collapse into tears. That 2 minute clip produced more tears on my face than the whole September 11th episode did in its' entirety. Kyle, who goes ON and ON about how worried he is for Nicole and how much his love for her knows no bounds - in fact, at one point I specifically remember him saying that he and Nicole have "Storybook Love" - doesn't do anything more than put on a sad face and wistfully look at the wall. For real? Damn. Wish I could love someone with such ease.
I don't believe him for a minute. And I am disappointed. He seemed so cool and now I have no respect. And suddenly, because personality does win out over looks afterall, he has become the most hideous monster on the show. I think his face is made of plastic, and as Rita has previously said, his legs are definitely tree trunks.
He is skeeve.
Watching him make out with Kerri, shirtless with his mesh shorts riding up his ass, then getting up and walking away as if he just committed the same act with a goat, makes me furious inside.
I truly hope that she watches these episodes and just laughs and laughs. She is better off without him.
He is a sad little man.

CONGRATULATIONS to KELLY on her LAST DAY OF EXAMS!
YOWZAH! That's a girl! Way to go! YOU DA BEST! (and every other annoying cliche in the bunch)
Almost time to go home. PHEW! This day is what I like to call Dragging McDragersons. Really. The whole day has creeped by in the most snail like manner.
But today was also a bit interesting. It started with Pedro the security guard telling Angela the housekeeper to "Fuck off". Then Angela came upstairs SOBBING and screaming about it. It was absolute chaos for about 15 minutes. And this all happened at about 10am. Ugh. Pedro fucking sucked for what he said to Angela today. I have never met such a beautiful woman in my whole life. She don't hurt anything. She is the kind of lady that cares so much about life that she would find a nest of flies festering on the 6th floor of my building and would immediately pick it up in her hands and find it a home in the local park. She just cares that much!
Thnor.
She was so upset and it made me love her even more. She deserves the world.
(as long as this bitch gets a slice)
When I went to the bathroom earlier, my ass had a virgin suicide.
Just thought I would let everyone know that. I know how worried you all get. You need to know my ass action every day or else you worry that I have become a healthy little boy like all the others.
***nother side note***
Paul hasn't called ONCE since last Thursday night. (big sigh)
It's funny. Every time I happen to mention this fact to anyone, they always look at me oddly and go "But why?".
Then I look back at them and go "I know".
It just sucks, you know? How else can I explain it?
Last Thursday night we had a 2 hour talk on the phone that was amazing! He was like in love and obsessed with me. It felt strange to have him telling me how much he loved me and having him obsess over everything that I am doing. He was crazy. But crazy with love.
Then, as usual, he doesn't call for like a week because he has showed too much emotion to me and must pull back.
You know what I think about that?
I think that it is a fucking childish and tired excuse. Grow up asshole.
Sorry...just gotta vent sometimes.
He's fine. Just so typical and boring.
In other news...Kelly and I had a wonderful talk last night. We had some drinks, some laughs, some cries, and an overall good time. I think we cleared the air on alot of things. Not that things were bad, per se. Just some things that needed to be clarified.
And I think it went very well.
Well, I guess that is it. Pretty much a nothing of a day today.
Lucky me gets to go home and work on remodeling my annoying bedroom. Can't it just be done already??
No Joe, it can't. You are the laziest mother fucker in America. Just go home, shut up, and do it.
I know.
I know.
One last thing...Edward sent me this poem this morning. I actually laughed out loud. (LOL)(I am a 16 year old girl)(LOL)
Here it is:

This is Just to Say

I have eaten
the plums
that were in
the icebox

and which
you were probably
saving
for breakfast

Forgive me
they were delicious
so sweet
and so cold

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
um.

I have some sort of a head cold today. I don't know if it is allergies or change in weather or if I am really getting sick. But in any case it sucks. My nose is plugged, my throat is scratchy, and I feel tired. Maybe it's mono.
Maybe not.
Who could be so lucky?

So folks...in an unbelievable upset, the REAL WORLD beat the ROAD RULES in the final challenge. YAYAYAY! Real World better always kick Road Rules' ass! It was quite a riveting episode. If you get a chance to catch it, you definitely should.
I didn't think that the final challenge was as difficult as it could have been. It wasn't nearly as hard as what those Tough Enough kids go through.
The best part of the episode...Road Rules was kicking Real World's ass in the physical portions of the competition and they reached the final station of the challenge much faster than them as well. BUT...because their team has ALWAYS lacked unity, they sat at that final challenge forEVER! Real World finally caught up to them, solved the puzzle, and moved on to be the grand prize winners. It is true afterall...working as a team proves to be the key to conquering it all!
So congrats to the Real Worlders. They deserved it.

So Smelly and I just finished IMing and we made plans to go out for a few drinks this evening to catch up. Like how her new name is Smelly? Cuz really...my new name should be "Joe CuttheSmelly". I reak today. My pits are fully loaded and I am ready to take a motha out.
We are going to have drinks at Cosmos, our new hometown hangout. $5 Stoli/Vanillas, not a bad bargain. Although, last week, when I went with Reets, I spilled my complete first drink down my leg and into my bookbag. It was nice. And now I smell like a walking drunkard.
I guess I have to put off cleaning more of my room until tomorrow. I am really a crazy mother fucker. The minute I knew that I would be having drinks instead, I immediately formulated a new plan as to how to still not miss out on the evening I was planning on having. I am still going to empty out some of my drawers and organize some papers. I will just wait to do my trunk tomorrow. Its ok. Not the end of the world.
I always have to have everything timed by like the minute. It's a sick habit that I need to quit asap.
It's making me go quazy in my head.
I am so hungry for lunch today. I know I should have a salad and/or a cucumber. But what I really want is a pineapple.
COVERED IN CHEESEBURGERS.
It's just that my body accepts fat so much more easily than it accepts exercise or health food.
I gotta lose my gut someday, k?

I actually started this entry last week, never got through it and am now going back to it and finishing. Hee.
I was saying what a good day I had last week, cuz it turns out that Paul and I will be taking a fatty vacation this summer. We are going to spend a week in Orlando. Kind of my idea. I decided that I REALLY wanted to go to Universal Studios Florida. Yes, I have been there before and yes it is fucking amazing...but it has been about 7 years since I did that and I am anticipating quite a few huge changes in their theme parks. For example, the Jurassic Park 3 ride just opened. YOWZERS! It's just fun.
We are staying in the most beautiful condo I have ever seen in my life. I mean, it is HUGE and our suite has a master bedroom, another guest bedroom, a pull out couch, a full kitchen, two showers, a tub, a whirlpool, a living room, dining area, indoor/outdoor pool, golf, babysitting service (YAY), and so much else. It is going to be fantastic. And the best part....to stay in this condo for a week is going to cost us (drum role please) $122 total. UM! My parents have this time share thing that they NEVER use. So they got first pick this time and gave it to me. It is so cheap and amazing.
My mom also secured us flights for $188 round trip. OH MAN that is cool. SO essentially we are paying piddles for an amazing time. And it is something that Paul and I will get to do together. I have never been on a real vacation before, unless it was with family. And this is the exact way that I want to go! Just he and I smooching and smooching. And maybe even getting a tan.
Also, I can't wait to spend a couple of days at Disney World and
Universal Studios
CAN'T WAIT!
This is really just about the best.
We will probably spend a few days on the beach. Go out to eat alot, ride bikes, maybe go fishing, watch the sunsets on the beach. Really...it is everything I have ever wanted to do with Paul. And to be able to do it just the two of us. Man...I am a lucky boy.
As long as Paul gets a little bit of a better attitude about this whole thing...
He has been kind of a shit, but I know that will change. He is always a bitch until he realizes that there is no reason for it and then things usually settle down.
Plus...we are taking a plane! Um! I don't do planes. I mean, I WILL do planes, as long as Paul is there with me, but without him, prolly not at this point. I feel safe with him. Even though he is a bitch...I do feel safe holding on to his arm and being held by him.
Sweet, sweet, strong boy of mine.
Maybe he will even call today. Wouldn't that be a nice change of pace. Weird to think that I just got home from taking care of him a week ago. So much has changed since then. So much.
This weekend, Rita's sister Jeannie came into town to play. They went and saw Chicago on Saturday afternoon and then went out to a wonderful dinner together. They are very close sistas and I know that they truly enjoy being in eachother's company. Jeannie is getting married on November 9th. WOW. Still scares me a bit, and I ain't even IN the wedding. Well, sort of I am. I will be the wasted uncle standing in the corner talking about the old days when Jeannie was a little whippersnap.
Nah.
But I definitly won't be handing out any programs either. :-D
Friday night, Rita, Kelly, Jeannie and I spent the night blasting music and having a, well, um, blast! We sang along to Rent, ate pizza, drank some libations, and all in all had a wonderful time together. Rita, Jeannie, and I had some intense, and introspective conversations as well. I walked away from it all feeling like I know Jeannie just that much better. And also that I love Rita just that much more. She is a strong girl, that one.
What else?
I also started the overwhelming, nightmare of a project, of cleaning my room. I have decided to rid myself of any excess baggage. Which means, letters and cards from the past, old pictures I don't want anymore, knick-knacks from hell, and even my Nintendo 64. Shit's just got to go. If you want it, let me know...cuz you can definitely have it.
I still gots PlayStation to deal with.
So, I did the first major phase of cleaning last night.
I am planning on doing another phase tonight, another tomorrow, and so on, until the week is over and I have a brand new place to hang my hat. This cleaning and organizing has been a REAL long time coming, actually since I moved out of Oswego, and I absolutely have to get it done this week. Nothing will stand in my way.
Not even pizza.
Tonight is the finale episode of the Road Rules/Real World Challenge. Who will take the gold?
I am predicting that it will be Road Rules. They are just a stronger team physically. As a group, they kind of suck, but as competitors, they usually outshine those Real Worlders. And that is too bad...cuz who don't like the Real World BETTER than Road Rules?
Also, at 8pm, NBC's Fear Factor is doing their Tournament of Champions. All of the winners from the past year will be coming together to see who the king is. Imagine what they are going to have to eat tonight! I am predicting diarehhea. Or someother spelling of the same word.
This is going to be a tough week, but I think I am up for the challenge. Last week was a GREAT week, but I knew the whole time that this week was coming. I really have to take it slow, be as patient as possible with my friends, and try my best to start anew.
One day at a time.

Shit. When you miss a day of writing in here, I feel like so much happens.
Yesterday turned out to be such an incredibly amazing day. It was a fine day at first. Normal.
But then a serious of good things started to happen. I had some great email exchanges with Edward. Some great letters/exhanges/conversations. Definitely made my day fun.
I ate Burger King for lunch, which I am REALLY not trying to do,

So the best thing just happened. Rita and I just went upstairs to decorate Angie's door. We put posters of graduation, quotes, pictures, cards, etc. As we finished, the buzzer rang and she and I snuck down to our apartments; covertly hiding from FUCKFACES' friend Jen who was waiting outside. When we got back into Kelly's room, Rita and I waited for them to clear the stairs and then opened the door and listened to CUNT MOTHER FUCKER STUPID FAGGOT ASS FUCKFACE say: "Look at this, it kinda makes me want to puke".
Now...are we fucking kidding??????
How DARE he? I mean...HOW DARE HE?
Being fair, I realize that I say shit about fuckface all the time behind his back. But he has never heard it. Actually, even if he did hear it I didn't care...but it just wasn't the same. He said that comment, insinuating that we are no where near the friends with Angie that he is.
Sorry...but are you a fucking retard? Fuckface...you have been around 3 days. I have known Angie for 5 years.
Faggot...you ain't NEVER gonna be to Angie what I am. I don't care if you are the last two lesbos on earth. You will NEVA BE!
So I go to my journal and I say hurtful things cuz that is the only way that I know how to vent.
If he has the balls to say the same comment to Angie...then so be it. But I am sure he doesn't. And I DREAD the idea that Angie would entertain any such remark.
She wouldn't right?
Whatever...Rita and I did what we could for this occassion...and hopefully Angie understands that.
As for Fuckface...well this whole thing will go no further...but just so we all know...I hope this kid comes into some major trouble in his life.
And if not...I will cause the trouble.
;)
I feel better now.
It's just that I spent a good portion of my day putting this shit together...and then having this ass say something flippantly about it actually hurt.
I guess the main question is...why does it hurt?
I really need to get some tougher skin.

I almost forgot!
HAPPY GRADUATION ANGIE! I AM SO FUCKING PROUD OF YOU!

This is going to be really quick today. I have spent my ENTIRE day doing nothing, but playing and I still haven't found time to write in this journal.
The two topics I would like to discuss are Paul and my vacation plans and my conversation with Edward.
First, Paul wants to take me on vacation this summer. We had discussed going to California for a week, but those plans fell through. (refer to February's entries to find out why they fell through) Then we thought about spending a week in Albany or spending a week in Vermont or something. So then, I am sitting in the movie theater this weekend, with my parents, and all of a sudden it HIT me! I KNEW where I wanted to go on vacation. WELL UNIVERSAL STUDIOS FLORIDA OBVIOUSLY!
YAYAYAYAY! I have been there before; when I was 17 or so, and it was fucking the coolest thing I have been to in my life. Being an actor, you can see why. As soon as I got home, I called Paul to explain my idea. He immediatly shot it down. Of fucking course. Like he has any better ideas. Or maybe he was just in pain or something. Whatever. ;)
He was like: "Joe, we I don't have the money for both of our tickets, the visit, the hotel, the transport, etc." Then I explained my plan. My parents are letting me use their Condo Time Share whenever I want. The condos are BEAUTIFUL and have a kitchen, living room, bathroom, sometimes two bedrooms, closets, pools, fitness centers, saunas, etc. But they are only located in certain areas. ONE OF THESE AREAS BEING DISNEY WORLD! UM!!!! Cuz Universal is right by Disney. Right by. So we could go to Disney and to Universal all in the same trip AND stay right in the area for free! Amazing right? Right.
So then he is like, "I still don't think I will have the money to pay for both of our airfare, etc." So I talked to my parents about it and they said that they could prolly get me roundtrip airfare at like $200 or so, depending on when we make our decision and what airline we use. (My mom can get some phat deals through work) I could pay that. Easily. Well, not so easily, but easily enough!
Paul is still wishy washy about the whole thing, but I know that is because he didn't come up with the idea. I don't know. That is where I want to go.
That is the only place that I want to go now.
I have never been on vacation with a boyfriend before. How fucking exciting! I just hope we can get our shit together and really do this. I never care about going away anywhere and honestly that is why I never go ANYWHERE. But this is the first time that I WANT WANT WANT to go somewhere. And I think this trip is totally up my ally.
Keep your fingers crossed for me folks!
Ok...the conversation with Edward.
WAS AMAZING!
He and I have such a good rhythm when we talk. He is so fucking adorable that sometimes I want to climb through the computer and eat him alive. He is funny, sensitive, and endearing. He cares about me so much and I know he knows that I feel the same way about him. If he were gay, he and I would be together in 30 seconds. Well, that is if there was no such thing as a Paul. But all of this is based on that idea.
Edward and I have gotten to know eachother so much more since I graduated college. And ironically enough, I have only seen him once since I left. And I graduated exactly 2 years ago tomorrow. (OMIGOD! DID I REALLY GRADUATE TWO YEARS AGO TOMORROW! HOLY FUCK! (May 15th, 2000).
In the last two years, he and I have spent only like 6 hours in the same room. But we IM at least once or twice a week, I will start calling him, and he is moving down here within months. Having him around as a permanant addition is not only going to be fun, it is going to be something that both he and I have waited for for a long time.
If he wasn't so damn attractive, I would never question our friendship.
I am very happy with Paul. He is the one that I want. He is the only one that I would even consider. I mean Edward is straight afterall. (Maybe not completely...but too straight for my taste). But sometimes it is a little difficult to be friends with someone that is exactly what you are physically looking for in a man. He is big, strong, and the exact type of man that I am drawn too.
It is strange for me to have any sort of opinion on this because I don't look at Edward as though he were an object of lust. I look at him as a friend that drives me crazy sometimes. You know? I am older than him by almost 3 years and that puts a rift between us. We have only really been friends, in the same location, for 6 months. He is obsessed with finding a girlfriend and I am obsessed with the boyfriend I already have. Circumstances should prevent us from even becoming a friendship match, but circumstances can be misleading.
I cherish him. I do. I am very excited for his upcoming visit and even more excited to have him in the city. I hope that he and I can find some sort of common playing field and that we can strengthen the bond that we already have. He takes care of me in some ways and I do the same to him.
If only he would gain like 100 pounds, or even worse, lose like 100 pounds...then I would never look at him as having any sort of physical prowess. And then I would never wonder what it would be like to go to that next, unfortunate, impossible to change, level.
Life is confusing as fuck.
How could I possibly write about these two topics in the same entry? How could I possibly?

So Kelly's sister just Imed me asking where she was. I thought that something was wrong so I asked her what was up. She ended up needing help with an English assignment. Rita and I both tried to help her the best that we could. But we told her to call Kelly and leave a message too, and guess what kel? Your sister needs to write about a quote in comparison to two books she read this year. (or pretended to read) One of the books is I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings. Didn't you just read that???
The Russo girls reading the same book at the same time. Now that is a strange coincidence.

Okay...back from lunch. I had pizza and so did Rizza. Yum. I haven't had pizza in weeks. Of course, it wasn't true NYC pizza. It was "silly West End" pizza. Good enough.
So...here I sit. Been pretty quiet at work today. Everyone seems to be really burned out from the big dinner we had last week. Fine with me. I love the peace. Penelope is out today with a headache. Probably induced by dealing with crazies all week. Poor thing had to fend for herself for like 7 work days. Now that shit is tough.
I am sitting here with nothing on my mind. I have no idea what to write about. That seems strange considering that I have been away from this journal for weeks. But shit has pretty much stayed the same.
Paul is still in some horrible pain and trying his best to recoup.
Kelly is finishing up with college and then will try to recoup.
Rita has finished with the dinner aka the demise of her existence, and is slowly recouping.
Penelope is home...recouping.
RECOUPS!
Mariah is preparing (sort of) for her big move to NYC. Girl better get on the ball and find her ass a job. Cuz hells knows she is going to blow what little money she has on fun when she gets here. Who wouldn't?
Edward was tentatively scheduled to come down for a visit this weekend, but I have a feeling that that is off.
S'ok. I do want to see him, but suddenly I am not so ready. Long story.
Oh ok...I know what to write about.
When I got home last night, Rita and Kelly introduced me to "Friend". He is a new member of our household, but lucky bastard don't have to pay no rent. Friend wears a red hoody, Gorilla slippers and a t-shirt. He sits on the couch and holds onto the remote. Just in case he don't like what is on the tube.
Did I mention that Friend is in actuality a pillow?
But the scariest fucking pillow ever. As Rita, Kelly, and I were discussing Friend last night, Kelly vocalized how scared she was of having him sitting around in the living room. I didn't really understand how a dressed up pillow could be scary, until I walked out of my room at 3am, butt naked, and fully believed he was a real human sitting on the couch. My heart lept into my throat and then my skin crawled. That little fucker is dangerous, I think. Rita had a nasty run in with Friend this morning too. I feel Friend may be brutally murdered if he don't clean up his act.
Paul just called. He said that he feels much better today. He met with the surgeon this morning and he said that the wound looks better. He taught him how to change the bandages in a different, more preventative way. So hopefully no more infection. What a relief. Of course Paul is talking about working as soon as tomorrow night. Stupid ass. He best take care of himself, cuz if he lands in the hospital again because of his own foolishness, I will NOT be so pleasant when I change the bandages next time. And that's fo sho!
Uh oh. I think I just smelled eggs again. Damn that Rita...she best go relieve herself before she stinks up the joint. WAWAWAWINKLES!
Days until Kelly's graduation from COLLEGE: 15. Days until Kelly realizes what a cruel cruel world it is after school: 18.
Days until the eggs leave my bowels: 10 minutes.
Gosh...so much is coming up. Angie and Kelly are both leaving college and moving on to that next phase of their life. Mariah is moving here in the next two weeks.
Does it ever end?
Nevle.
Aaron Neville.
Last night I jerked off 3 times between 10:30pm and 3am. Is that a lot? Well, if you take a look at the scars on my dick...maybe. I was just so horny. And the more I jerked off, the more I needed to do it again. I was up all night playing with myself.
Maybe tonight I will only do it twice.
Considering that I woke up and jerked off again this morning...maybe I don't need to do it at all.
Do you realize that in 9 hours, I beat my pud 4 times. DAMN! They don't call this my sexual peak for nothin.
I am just so lucky that I have someone to share all these sexual experiences with during my sexual peak.
Yeah fucking right. I share these experiences with my hand and erotic stories only.
mmmmm....erotic stories. I am about ready for some new ones. The ones I have now are so old and boring. I can basically recite them and that's no fun.
Maybe I will have Kelly or Rita write me a new erotic story! Wouldn't that be fun! Kind of sick and twisted, but I would be willing to give it a try. Actually...what a GREAT experiment! Then I could see if they REALLY knew what turned me on.
Sick....why would they need to know that?
yum....why wouldn't they?

Wow. Back at work. Pretty surreal morning. Everyone was really nice and totally supportive of me when I came in today and that felt good. I don't know why I get so uptight about being gone for so long. I knew that everyone would be cool, but I just get so crazy in my head sometimes.
So hungry and I just farted and it smells like eggs. Eggles. Egg bagels. SICK!
Alright...Rita and I are going to take quizzes and play until lunch.
Be back.

So here I am, in Albany. I have had the worst migraine since I walked in the door last night. I spent about 2 hours vomiting all the food I DIDN'T eat today and then held my head and rocked back and forth until about 4am. I finally got some sleep and was up at 10am this morning with the same damn headache. I did everything I could to make it go away. I masturbated, took a hot shower, smoked a bowl, and then finally bit the bullet and bought some Excedrin Migraine pills at CVS. After this, my parents and I went to the theater to see Changing Lanes. Not awful, but not recommendable. Ben Affleck was suprisingly adorable and I did have a good time. About half way through the movie, the headache ceased and I have been getting increasingly better. I now just have the dull ache and hopefully can move forward and have a good rest of the time with my parents.
I came to Albany for two reasons. One was to see my mother on Mother's Day. The other was to go to a neutral place and try to clear my head. Leaving Boston yesterday was one of the hardest goodbyes that I have had in a long while.
To say the absolute least, my last 9 days have been full of stress, heartache, frustration, fear, and ironically some beautiful moments. I will never forget all of what happened. I have images that will stay with me forever.
When I first got to Boston, Paul was wonderful. He was in good spirits, was incredibly excited to have me there helping him out. On Thursday we walked around Boston and spent the majority of the day doing some food shopping, Mother's Day shopping, and visiting friends. Friday was just as good; hanging out with Mariah and the baby, doing some more shopping, and just feeling great. Around 11pm, as I was doing the dressing change on Paul, I noticed that the hole (this unbelievably LARGE hole) was turning black in some areas. His pain was starting to get much worse and his spririts crashed. During the day Saturday, his pain and temperature started to rise. I started to panic. When I took his last temperature reading, it was at 104 and I knew that I had to get him to the emergency room as quickly as I could.
We were in the emergency room for about 6 or 7 hours that night and they cleaned him up, brought the fever down, and foolishly sent us home. On Sunday, the hole was COMPLETELY covered in black and I immediately rushed him to the emergency room again with a fever hovering around 103.
We spent the night in the hospital that night. Me sleeping horribly in the waiting room, Paul cooped up in some hospital bed all alone. I wasn't even allowed to stay with him. AND they kept us in the damn emergency waiting room for about 2 hours before they even took him in.
He was so brave. Such a good patient and said "thank you" and "I love you" at every possible moment. I called work, explained the situation, and ended up staying even longer. Tuesday afternoon, it was back to the emergency room. At this point, Paul's pain was so intense that he was screaming, crying, and scaring the shit out of me. Upon this visit to the emergency room, Paul spent two nights in the hospital, racking up more bills and keeping me sleeping in 2 hour increments. It was hard.
They cleaned his hole out, gave him some sort of preventative infection prescription, and debated whether or not to seal up his gaping hole. They ended up not doing anything about it.
I missed my dinner, I missed a full week of work, and on top of all of this, I feel like I missed a whole week of my life. As good of a feeling as it was to take care of my baby and to make sure that he was ok at every moment, I never felt so lonely in all my life. Maybe it's Karma. I don't know.
I cleaned the house, did laundry about every day, did all of the food shopping, all prescription filling, most bandage changes, helped him shit, bathe, eat, get through the pain, etc. It was exhausting.
I must admit that I kept my attitude positive. I grew closer to him than ever before and I finally took care of him the way he has always taken care of me.
So many thing went running through my mind last week. I thought about what it must be like for couples with AIDS and how hard it is to face that disease as one's future. At least with this scenario, I was always pretty confident that he would eventually get better. After a week of taking care of someone as though they were as incompetent as an infant, I realized that I don't have what it takes to take care of anyone but myself.
I realized how selfish I really am. How unfortunate and unacceptable this is. I feel like in a lot of ways, I have become a cynical, mean person. I used to be so kind. So approachable, so proud to be sensitive and available. I am more closed off to my personal life now than I have ever been before and it doesn't feel good at all.
Taking care of Paul....
Knowing that it was one year ago this week that Kelly's mom was fighting for her life in the hospital...
Seeing and feeling how precious life is and how little time we all have...
Having to sacrifice everything I wanted for a week for someone I loved...
Realizing in some ways that I have strength in me to do things I never thought I could do...
The whole experience was very surreal.
I am scared to go back home.
It has been 9 days since I have been in NYC. Once out of the place for an extended period, it is hard to get excited about jumping back in.
I feel like the challenges that lay before me are so great that I will never climb out of it. I feel tired and I feel beaten down. In no way was the last week and a half rejuvenating, nor did it help me to get a more idealistic perspective on my current situation. I feel uneasy about going home.
When things get tough I shut people out. I find it hard to ask for help. And after the way I have been over the last couple of months, it was even more difficult for me to reach out to the people I love, because I wasn't there when they reached out.
Man, I don't know. I have two girls waiting for me at home that I love so dearly. That are always there for me and were there for me last week, in prayers and thoughts if not in the physical sense. I have a friend at work that I love dearly as well, that looked after me while I was gone and missed having me in the chair next to her, I hope. I don't have much in NYC. But what I do have I cherish. It is hard for me to show this because I feel very stressed and frustrated with my current standing as a wannabe actor in NYC. What I have to remind myself of is that all of my friends are in the same position. We are all struggling with who we are and what we want out of life, yet forced to race against time to complete it all.
If I realize that we are all in the same place, why I am trying to control it all? Why do I feel the need to be the leader? Why do I force people to fit in with my view of life and it's complications?
And most of all...how do I change this realization so that I can emerge with my old self confidence while still having the love, support, and respect of those I need most?
I am scared to leave Paul alone. I talked to him this morning and his parents never came to see him. That hurt. That hurt alot. But he is strong with it and I am sure in a lot of ways is the reason for them not coming to be with him. Yet, I come from a family that I would give my life for and that would do the same for me...so why didn't they come anyway? Did they at any point realize how serious this whole situation was?
Why was I the only one at the hospital? Why was I the only one taking him to the clinic, the hospital, the fucking bathroom?
Paul felt so insecure about losing his position at work, that he didn't even tell them that he was in and out of the hospital all week. Trying to hide this fact from those that did call was difficult, if not upsetting. You would think that these people would try to get him back on his feet, not steal his shifts right from under him. And then not even ask how he was really doing.
Wow...so much in my head. Some bitterness, some fear, alot of sadness, and absolutely no self-confidence. But I feel like, with rock bottom comes a new beginning. I have to change my life. Immediately.
I am ready to grow again. I am ready to expand, love my friends, work on my patience level, and begin anew.
That is if I don't get fired from my job. Then I will be spending all of my time looking through the want ads.
I am grateful for my housemates, my co-workers, and my family. Without which I think I would collapse and spend a long time trying to bounce back.
I am going home tomorrow. I will be ready by the time it happens. That was the whole reason of coming home now wasn't it?
I want more and to get that...I am going to have to give it.
If nothing else, the main thing I learned this week is about how to be generous. How to be patient. How to love unconditionally and how to sacrifice. This is a lesson I need to re-learn.
I need to be this way every day. Not just when my loved ones lose everything.

Well hello! I am now in Boston and the fucking funniest thing just happened. (I am at the place where Mariah baby-sits/nannies whatever) The baby, without us even noticing, just opened a box of CapnCrunch and dumped it all in her lap. She is covered in little yellow cereal pieces and I am pissing myself with laughter. Oh shit thats funny.
So yeah...I am in Boston on the computer. It has been an absolutely incredible trip so far. Paul and I are like peas and carrots. The poor kid has a hole in his back the size of a grapefruit. No. I am not exaggerating. Mariah can fit her whole fist in the hole. You see...when you have a polinoital cyst operation, the way it heals is from the inside out. So this huge crator in his back will have to re-layer itself and eventually, over months, fill back in. I have seen serated muscle, actual lipids, and I think the outer lying of his spinal cord. It is the most horrifying thing I have ever seen with my eyes...and definitely the most horrifying thing I have ever touched. I have to change the dressings twice a day. This means, pulling out these blood stained gauze pads from the inside of his body. Then I soke new gauzes in saline and shove them back in the hole.
When Paul first showed me the wound, I just started to cry. It is so real and raw. And to think that this monstrosity of a wound is on my boyfriends back...
It's sad and it's gross.
In other news...Mariah is wonderful. Seeing her makes me laugh, smile, and excited. Unfortunately the days have flown by so far. I am trying my hardest to slow the time down, but that seems fruitless.
Boston is beautiful. The leaves on the trees, the smells in the air, the people that we've seen. I just love it. And of course I never want to leave. But that's cool...I will toughen up by Sunday and get my lame ass back on the bus.
It is really weird to be writing in my bloggle from fucking Newbury Street.
Baby is going crazy.
Paul and I watched Hedwig and the Angry Inch last night. Fucking awesome movie. Ask Rita about it. She and I saw it together when she first moved in and we LVOED it.
Hey Reets...you finish Wally Lamb yet?
Have a safe drive to Syracuse! I hope you have a wonderful wonderful time. You have earned it.
See you on Sunday when we both have to return to hell.
Hello operator that is.
K...thaz it! Unfortunately, see you all soon!

So I was just walking down the street, very excited about the slice of pizza I was about to eat, when this man walks up to me and says: "Can I ask you a question?"
Here was our conversation:
Julio: "Can I ask you a question?"
Me: "What?" (I was a little rude cuz I thought that he was going to yell at me about throwing my cigarette on the street)
J: I was wondering if you have ever given any thought to modeling.
Me: Uh...yeah. Well, you see...a friend of mine was just asked the same question on the street. She then ended up giving this "Modeling Agency" her credit card number and they stole like $600 from her.
J: No no no. It's not like that.
Me: Ok...what is the deal then?
J: Well I was wondering if you had ever given thought to print modeling. You know, modeling for fashion magazines, billboards, advertisements, etc. You have the perfect face for it.
Me: Yes I have considered it, but don't really know how to look into something like that.
J: Well I work for Options, an off-shoot of Ford modeling agency. We handle (insert random model's names here). (I think he said something like Wilomena or Filomena...some high profile model) I would love it if you would consider coming in and letting us take your picture. We would want to see how photogenic you are and if you would be interested in letting us represent you.
Me: What what WHAT? (Ok...I didn't really say that) Sure...I would love to come in and at least see what you are all about.
J: (Hands me his card----his name is Julio) Great.
--------------edited bullshit------------------------
Me: I am not available until Monday earliest.
J: Ok...why don't we schedule an appointment for Monday night at 7.
Me: Sure. I would love to come.
J: (Shakes my hand) This is a very exciting opportunity. Be on time and bring some pictures of yourself.
Me: Okay...see you then.
END CONVO.
UM!!!! How exciting. How random that this same thing just happened to Mariah and now it is happening to me. I will make SURE that they do not get a credit card number or any sort of deposit. I know better than that. I also informed the guy that I was an actor, not a model and he told me that they represent quite a few actors as well.
Could this be my shot at an agency? Who knows. But it is fun and it definitely made me smile real big.
Today is turning out to be fucking bomb! Check out their website here

There are two women having a huge squabble right now behind my back. They are attacking eachother. Rita was just in the office, but luckily her boss, JABA, saved her and pulled her out. Probably to fax something. ;)
They are now basically ripping the skin off eachother's faces.
Penelope just walked in having stood in back of Julia Stiles in line at a local restaurant. Damn. Why do I never get to see anyone cool?
OMIGOD...they are STILL yelling at eachother. It is pretty funny actually. Seeing these two have an argument is like the highlight of my day.
They were just saying how wonderful Rita is, which is good. She ain't a part of this shit at all. And justly so. She ain't crazy like the rest of them.
I love how they have been screaming about the same nonsensical item for like 20 minutes now.
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooohahahahahahahahahahaha! Man...they are brutal!
I am loving this.
Time to go make some popcorn.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY EDWARD! Love you and miss you so so much! See you soon!

Still haven't pissed. Damn. I am going to get a UTI like Tonya.

Penelope just sent me the coolest link. Please go here...you will be so pleasantly suprised. I about shit myself with laughter and glee. Mr. T
It will ask you to put in a URL. I find that putting in CNN.com is the funniest. Oh man...I am still in stitches.

Still gotta piss. Maybe I will scoop my pee up from the toilet and then show it to everyone I work with. I mean, I really need to know if I am dehydrated or something.

I was just talking to Penelope about last night's Real World. We have both decided (and I will be vague, just in case you haven't seen it) that Tonya really didn't need to walk around the house showing the little present she had in her cup. I mean DISGUSTING! She made herself look like an ass while totally grossing the rest of the world out.
Can someone PLEASE tell me one reason why it was ok for her to show her insides to everyone?

First off...the Simpson quiz was by Lexi. HAHA. Weird. I thought her name was Mariah.
Second off...there is a typo in the box. Can you find it?
Third off...nothing.

I'm Nelson, who are you? by Lexi

Last night when I got home, I played some TLC and just about sobbed my eyes out. It has been almost a week since I found out about Lisa Lopes going away and I still feel sad about it. Is that normal? Any time I have heard someone be like "Oh man...when 'this' celebrity died, I was so upset; I just couldn't go on", I have wanted to punch them in the face. But this time, I do feel sad. I wish it didn't happen. I wish that things could be different.
Second...did you happen to catch THE REAL WORLD CHICAGO
last night? UM?!?!?! Besides the fact that the whole group is about ready to kill eachother, next week's episode made me almost have a heart attack. The episode is taped during September 11th. I forgot all about them being in the house when it happened! The previews brought back so many memories and instantly triggered another cry fest. It is so easy to move on and pretend like nothing ever happened, but when you are reminded with vivid images, it all comes rushing back. Seeing these kids sit around the television and on the phones with their loved ones totally brings me back to that fateful Tuesday. What an incredible and awful life experience. I can't wait to see the episode next week, but I also know that I will have to watch it in my room alone. Rocking myself to sleep. We are half way to the end! It isn't too late to start watching!
I have decided that I am starting to hate these cast members. Kyle can go fuck himself, cuz he is turning out to be a real piece of shit. Aneesa needs to wake the fuck up and stop being such a self-absorbed bitch. If Chris opens his lame ass, cheesy, self-help book mouth again, I may just stop in Cambridge, on my way to Boston, and fucking kick his teeth in. Tonya, the girl has to just cut it. Kera...you really are a slut, aren't you? Theo, you my man. You keep it up...you are one of two that don't piss me off now. Kerri, you are my dream weaver! I love you with my whole entire heart.
So really...if the whole cast, cept for Theo and Kerri, for some reason die during the 9/11 episode, I will smile.
Ok, no I wouldn't, but can they all just stop acting like little babies!? They were SO cool before and now...babies Mcbaby.
Just to let everyone know...Paul's surgery went extremely well. Or so we think. It will take a couple of days before we know for certain. He was able to go home last night and will be sleeping on his stomach for awhile. He was really groggy when I spoke to him the first time. The second time, he was much better, but in some pain. Don't worry Paul...I will be there soon to take care of you! I am very excited to get out of here today. I have been really edge lately and I am about ready to collapse. I feel much better today, but that is because I get to escape NYC for a weekend. A LONG weekend that is! Sometimes you just need to do that. The city can wear you down incredibly fast. Long commutes, shit job, no money, visiting friends...just all so much when combined together. And then it is time to run away and rejuvenate.
I crashed hard after Jessica left this weekend. I went into this hole and couldn't find my way out right away. I felt much better when I woke up today. Boston being the reason or not, I am relieved that I feel good again today. Sometimes I get nervous that I won't EVER pull out of the low. But I always do and must come back to this entry to remind myself of that again in the future.
The big dinner for work is May 9th! Yay! I really am excited. I get to dress up, drink free champagne or wine all night. I get to eat some good, free food. It will be a blast. I had a very good time last year. Rita is very excited too, I think. All of the work she has done for the last two months will be coming to a head. It is really quite a thrill! Unfortunately, we won't have anyone real famous at this dinner. Well, I hear that Herman Wouk will be coming back. That's always a special treat. I mean, the man has to gum all of his food, but at least he is SOMEONE recognizable. YAY. Can't wait.
My throat is hurting today.
6 more hours until I can get on that fucking bus and hightail it outta here. I probably won't get into Boston until 10:30pm, which blows, but it's better than not going at all. I really could wait until the morning and then go.
YEAH MOTHA FUCKING RIGHT!
Gotta piss.
Be back soon.